It was, I was, and I will be

Abort mission now. This will be long, drawn out, and most likely repetitive.

I'll never forget my first day as I anxiously searched for eyes that I knew so I could give a quick wave or a smile and feel like I wasn't alone in the crowd. I was so bent on not feeling alone because I believed that feeling alone was the worst thing that could possibly happen. I couldn't live the typical “homeschooler meets the real world” life of fear and bathroom stall lunches. I wanted to be known and loved but I wasn’t even sure who I was. I wanted to be different and selflessly love people but fear and insecurity quickly took over. I masked my insecurity of looking stupid with laughter at jokes I didn’t understand and trying my best to blend in.

My first two years of high school did prove successful academically and socially. However, I strayed from my mission to be true to myself and love people selflessly. My mission morphed into the pursuit of personal achievements, such as being well-liked, succeeding academically, and fitting in with the crowd. The problem was that I was focused inward rather than on how my individuality and ideas could serve others and the community. I might have continued on this path had I not decided to join the IB program. The IB program has both challenged me academically and encouraged me to think globally while allowing me to surround myself with fellow students who care for each other and love learning (mostly). Through the close relationshionships I have formed and the open discussions this closeness encourages, IB has helped me to recapture and refine my vision and my life mission.

Although I still strive for excellence, I would like the focus of my journey to be on continuing to develop my unique gifts, talents, and interests while truly appreciating and supporting others as they do the same. The beautiful thing about our world and society is that there are so many different ideas, opinions, and perspectives. I have learned to appreciate classmates and teachers who are different me. For me, appreciating and seeking to understand others is the key to building community and goes far beyond merely tolerating their beliefs and opinions. I believe that my background of a strong home school community, the reality check of navigating the performance pressure of high school, and the vision broadening impact of the Millbrook IB program has prepared me for this next stage of life.

My most impactful year has most certainly been senior year. There have been many difficulties yet at the end of the strife I feel more confident in who I am and what I want in terms of growth. My prayer for this year was this verse from Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Many nights, in heaps of tears, I scoffed and laughed at this call to live free of fear, fully thankful, and in perfect peace. How can my heart be guarded when it is already broken? How can I be thankful in a world full of failure and destruction? How can I be at peace when I am never enough? How can I not be full of anxiety when my life feels like a game of survival from deadline to deadline?

I can still smell the rancid powder that arouse from my airbag. I can still see the crying woman, the crunched metal, the warped tires, the shocked onlookers, and the still traffic - just for me... how special. I can still find the crumpled papers from universities that read only the repeated theme I told myself “You’re not good enough.” I remember the lost nights of self-loathing that my friends at school would never know of or possibly believe. I won’t say more so I don’t sound too dramatic (small aside about dramatic: Some days I revel in the label and other days I feel discredited by and bitter at the word that seems to be sewn on my back).

Dramatic aside, this year brought up many questions and formed memories both fond and foul. I have learned to look beyond myself and see that in everything God is good. This year has inspired me to look beyond temporary happiness and seek God that I might find joy in all circumstances rather than just those which I feel like reflect the beautiful things of life. But what are the good days without the bad days? What is light without the darkness? What is life without faith that there is more than simply what we can feel, touch, smell, and create to be our own truths?

I am no theologian and I cannot even begin to answer the many questions I have but at least I am asking them. Before I was afraid of doubt and how God could be real and good in a world full of suffering. Now I see that there is so much more than my small perspective on life and goodness. I am truly excited to move on more confidently and open as i understand the value of doubt and others perspectives on what it means to be human. Isn’t that the question we all secretly hold?

This blog post really shouldn’t have been left so open ended because I love to talk and write. I definitely need to wind down though and I applaud you if you have made is thus far.

I leave with this: my hope for the future.

I just want to live fully and vividly. I want to laugh long and know the shadow alongside me. I want to know myself and not fear solitude. I want to look at life like a marathon which does not repeat; each day is filled with new wonders. I want to stop to smell the flowers and still finish the race with flying colors. I no longer want to feel like my life is an endless climbing of a timeworn mountain and a falling into the same dark valley. I want to look deeply into the eyes of others and seek to know them and love them for that. I don’t want to keep seeking for perfection or arrival but to enjoy the run and learn how to acknowledge that the difficult times are what grow us.

Walt Whitman's Notebook

https://lauraender.wordpress.com/

I have never been very skilled in the art of deciphering scribbles and chicken scratch - even when it’s my own writing. Therefore, this experience left me a little stressed and strained as I could barely make out any of the words. His writing is a downward-slant cursive that appears to be written in a rushed fashion. I’m sure one of the reasons for what appears to be careless cursive is that he wanted to quickly document his many ideas, inspirations, and thoughts so they couldn’t pass by to be forgotten before he could formulate them into a poem. In terms of his images, the first sketch of the profile of a man was honestly stunning and I was not expecting such detail in his drawings since his journal seemed to be the place he quickly placed his thoughts. However, the drawings became more strange until the last sketch which caught me off-guard. The last image of the skeleton with a heart as a body that has been stabbed through with a sword with the setting sun in the background left me curious and a bit uncomfortable. There is no telling for what exactly Whitman meant by this last image but I agree with the comments that it must be some sort of allegory either of America as a whole or possibly the society in a time where human rights were far from achieving equality.

I believe through a combination of Whitman’s writings and sketches, his inner thoughts are revealed to be darker and more scattered than the Whitman he reveals in his poetry. This makes sense in terms of his final product being a free verse style that seems to follow a rhythm only as long as his own thoughts adhered to the same cadence (rather than a poet fitting his thoughts into an accepted style and comfortable rhythm). His inner thoughts went beyond what he ever published for us to read today as his mind seemed to be constantly overwhelmed with creativity and reflection. Even the nature of an imaginary dialogue between himself and Lincoln takes a lot of creativity and reflection in how they would respond to one another.

As I read through the notes provided, I am now beginning to see the true content of Whitman’s words and I am fascinated by the link with the historical events unfolding to his writings. Whitman uses nature often in his poetry and I believe he uses the ship on rough waters to show the pursuit of liberty and justice in a divided America. Whitman’s journal becomes progressively distraught in terms of the division in America leading up to and during the Civil War. This is very reflective of his desire for universal brotherhood and his poetry that addresses the need for this unity and acceptance of all people since he sees what strife can be caused by brutally opposing one another. The water becomes more rough as the ship is tossed about which is connected with the approaching Civil War which was a very interesting aspect that I did not see before reading the notes. I was disappointed to learn that the sketches are not believed to be Whitman’s himself but it does make sense as it goes from such great detail to the strange picture he sketched himself of the skewered skeleton. This journal is significant because it contains an his outlet for the social strife and injustices that were happening around him. The fact that he had an imaginary conversation with Lincoln could also reveal that he wished to be more involved in making the change politically which he was able to feel by pretending to discuss the matters with Lincoln who could make the change happen.

The American Dream: Are you there yet?

The “American Dream” is the opportunity and hope to achieve success and become another story of rags to riches. Success in terms of the dream is to become wealthy through hard work in what you love to do or whatever career you choose to pursue. When I hear the words “The American Dream,” I immediately picture an immigrant in the early 20th century spotting the statue of Liberty for the first time. I picture a smile of hope coming across their face as they imagine their life with a loving family and a well-paying job. The hope that they can make their fantasized American Dream come true that has continually pushed them on from whatever past they felt lacked potential for the unending comfort, prosperity, and opportunity this country seemed provided.

The idea of the American Dream was that you didn’t have to stay in socioeconomic status that you born into and that through your hard work you could become something great because all Americans deserve the opportunity of “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” The American Dream, as established through the Declaration of Independence, has been a motivation for great success and a bearer of sorrow through inflated expectations. In many cases, the American Dream has left participants battered and lost in a swirl of failed dreams and false hopes because the reality is that the perfect life of the American Dream doesn’t truly exist and that even those who seem to have achieved it are left wanting more.

The key phrase is “the pursuit of happiness” because it encompasses what Americans have construed into their right to wealth. Wealth is having an abundance of money, possessions, and power that comes from an advanced social status that money often provides. Wealth encapsulates those who live beyond comfortable and have extreme excess after attending to their daily needs. This creates a culture of entitlement as well as the ironic judgement of the wealthy which I believe can be seen in The Great Gatsby. The irony lies in the desire yet distaste for those who are excessively wealthy. From the very beginning, Nick claims that he is just a nice guy who doesn’t judge anyone yet Gatsby is the only person of such wealth that doesn’t disgust him. This shows that Nick does in fact judge those of wealth as he lives in the irony of having moved himself to New York to hopefully become wealthy. The whole context of F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby is this Roaring Twenties-style pursuit of wealth, status, and making it big in the big city. Nick is just another man in the thick of the play: a tragedy of wealth, love, and power. It is my opinion that despite his pleas of being an unbiased third party: he is another soul wound up in the hope of the American Dream.

In our culture today, I believe the pursuit of happiness via wealth is still a reality. However, there is also a big push for doing what you love despite the pay. This mimics the irony seen in The Great Gatsby because although our culture openly praises people for doing what they love, it continues to glorify the life of the rich and wealthy over the humble and simple lifestyle of those who may not make it rich in what they love to do. I believe that I am wrapped up in an American Dream of sorts. My dream comes from my encouragement to dream as I reach the end of one chapter of life and the next stage of becoming who I want to be when I grow up (I liked this question much better when I was 8). School has been pretty laid out for us until this point and now we are presented with options and choices; very expensive ones at that.
If I’m being honest, beyond college my dream is to wake up in the morning (at a reasonable hour) to a family that I adore, in a home that is my own, and to a job that has a meaningful impact on the community. However, the one thing I never want to happen is to become so focused on a dream that I fall into the endless greed of wealth and miss the beautiful moments of “the pursuit”. My true dream is that I will learn to live each day fully without getting stuck in my “American Dream” and becoming so invested in the future that I forget to live in the present. I think the biggest thing to realize is that money doesn’t provide happiness but neither do your circumstances. The college I choose to go to, my future job, and even my current days as a student that often feel purposeless and mundane should not be deciding my daily happiness. I guess my real dream is that I will learn to live life in this way that has eternal treasures rather than banking my happiness on the possessions and circumstances that will fade away.

Freebie

...let's just say I really needed this one.

The Struggle is Real: IOC Edition

Amy G.'s Practice IOC of Macbeth

A: Knowledge and Understanding of the Text and Extract

I'd give myself a 7-8 because I feel as though I referenced the historical context of the play as a whole and some of the holistic elements as well as the significance and content of my excerpt.

B:  Understanding of Use and Effects of Literary Features

I'd give myself a 5-6 because although I mentioned a lot of literary features, I feel like they lacked strength in terms of how I utilized textual evidence and the effect.

C: Organization

I'd give myself a 4 because I focused a lot on my organization but I sometimes let my brain wander in connecting thoughts on my paper when I was discussing my analysis out-loud. 

D: Language

I'd give myself a 3 which is mostly because I feel like I wasn't able to show my depth of understanding for the use of language. It's just frustrating because I feel like I try really hard but sometimes that makes me force a (weak) connection between the elements I see and what effects I see. I believe this is brought out in oral assessments as I am unable to look back and edit my lack of clarity.

Never Let Me Go: I judged the book by the cover

The four different Never Let Me Go covers represent the themes expressed in the novel with each highlighting different elements. The first cover on the top left shows a young girl with long hair sitting alone in the midst of little white flowers and greenery. The purpose of this cover is to display a peaceful scene but also a sense of alienation or isolation. This theme is also seen in the cover below with the lone boat tied to the dock in a foggy marsh. Both of these covers display a somber yet intriguing story to the reader for the purpose of highlighting the themes of humanity and alienation in the novel. I believe the covers on the right represent the contrast of the humanity of Kathy H., the narrator and protagonist, and her inhumane purpose of donations. Contrasting the cover with the girl in nature, the boat cover has not yet been physically represented in the book which leads me to believe that the boat is most importantly symbolism of the theme of isolation and alienation while the girl also shows the importance of relationships in the novel.

In fact, in all of the covers other than the boat, I see both the themes and where I feel the picture could relate to the actual content and plot of the novel. For example, although vague at first, the cover in the top right displays a blurred picture of a girl in a blue dress with an orange background. To me, the picture looks as though she is dancing which relates to the time that Kathy H. is seen dancing to her favorite song, Never Let Me Go. I believe the importance of this scene is that it shows the dilemma of children built for one purpose at Hailsham which is similar to the message seen in the first cover. Each child desires to engage with their humanity and interact in the world the same as any human. This cover contrasts with the covers on the right as it is blurry and more vague as to what it could be representing within the many themes of the novel. Finally, the cover in the bottom right is the most explicit with the dilemma at hand in the novel. The penciled outline of the upper body with displayed organs alludes to the donations and that the characters’ bodies are not their own. The purpose of this cover could be to show the audience that something is off about this story and to pick up quickly on the odd wording and phrases such as “carers” and “completion”. Another interesting element that I believe is referenced in the bottom two covers is the inability for the characters to escape their fate with the tied up boat and what looks like barbed wire outlining the exposed body.

Looking Deeper

The first words that come to mind when I see this image are the words: solitude, peace, romance, and loneliness. The girls positioning, surrounding, and long flowing hair make me think of Jane Austen novels and her time period. If I hadn’t read any of this novel I would have assumed the story was about a young girl in the late 18th century growing up as an orphan. I would have assumed that romance was the focus of the story and that perhaps in the midst of the blooming relationship with a local farm boy, the darkness from her family past comes to the surface and threatens the young lovers. Since I have read the novel, I believe this cover is depicting Kathy H. in a state of reflection within a cherished moment of solitude. Although she seems somber and possibly a bit melancholy, her body language is relaxed which adds to the peaceful setting of the vibrant surrounding nature. If Kathy H. is the one being displayed, we seem to be an outsider observing her moment alone. This could allude to the fact that personal escape is difficult to find in this dystopian society. However, another idea that comes to mind is that we could be the “you” that Kathy H. is writing to and referring to throughout the novel. This could then mean that we are a part of the society in some way and maybe even present in this moment that is pictured. This cover implies a Westernized cultural construction because the girl is white with light blonde hair and there is review for The New York Times on the front. I think this cover was most likely created by American publishers to create a relatable image with intrigue as the girl does stand out with her red shirt and light features. The title of the book on a cover like this makes it seem like a historical romance novel which appeals to young nostalgic readers as the teenage girl looks about their age with an air of mystique.

Perhaps I am just a hopeless romantic, but this cover also makes me think of romance. In addition to romance, the other words that come to mind are organs, tragedy, horror, and mystery. The reason romance first came to my mind is that the outline of the body with the title of the novel made me think of a Fault in Our Stars. So, at first I might assume the novel is a tragic love story of terminally ill teenagers. However, upon deeper analysis of the picture I might have seen the outline of the body in barbed wire and the light background of trees and what look like jail cell bars. This would have ultimately led me to believe that the story could be a personal account from a survivor of a concentration camp during World War II (possibly relating to the horrifying events surrounding Josef Mengele in Auschwitz). Knowing that this is not the case, I believe that the outlined body represents the donors as a whole and specifically Kathy H. and her friends from Hailsham. The perspective of the cover seems to of someone seeing the aftermath of the events in the novel. The cover screams urgency as the sketch of the body seems quick and focused on organs rather than detail followed by the title written like a cry for help. The cultural construction of this cover seems to centered around the science fiction side of the novel and for the appeal of the gothic literature culture. This cover seems that would be created by those who see the darker elements of donations and the dystopian setting as more important the relationships and coming of age story. The people that would read this kind of book would be those who are interested in science fiction and dystopian novels.

The Inhumanity of Incomplete Storytelling

“The Danger of a Single Story”
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

https://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story

“I've always felt that it is impossible to engage properly with a place or a person without engaging with all of the stories of that place and that person. The consequence of the single story is this: It robs people of dignity. It makes our recognition of our equal humanity difficult. It emphasizes how we are different rather than how we are similar.”

-Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie TEDGlobal 2009

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s TED Talk called “The Danger of a Single Story” was truly inspiring and eye-opening as it addressed modern literature, culture, and humanity. Adichie’s main argument was that having a “single story” or one view of a place or a person is a limiting, inhuman way to live because it forms incomplete, flattened understanding. She opened with her childhood of reading Western literature and how it affected the way she understood literature. When she discovered African literature, she was freed from having a single story of what books were supposed to be. She learned that characters did not have to be foreign, but could in fact be about girls like her with “skin the color of chocolate.” Through her personal encounters as a Nigerian woman going to an American university, she stressed the important part of storytelling as being able to see both the good and the bad; the differences and similarities. In this, she discussed how Americans view Africa as a continent full of conflict, poverty, and starvation. While there are many problems such as these in Nigeria and other African nations, Adichie beckoned that there is also beauty and wonderful people doing amazing things that are glossed over in single stories. In the realm of storytelling, she discussed the role of power and how it affects how and when stories are told. Adichie claimed, “Power is the ability not just to tell the story of another person, but to make it the definitive story of that person.” When stories are told in singularity, stereotypes are not necessarily formed out of wrong information, but incomplete information. Adiche wrapped up with a call that “stories matter” and a reminder that “Stories have been used to dispossess and to malign, but stories can also be used to empower and to humanize.”

    Adichie is very poignant in getting her point across as she is blunt in the shortcomings of American culture without stepping on any toes by also explaining her similar experiences with a single story. From the very beginning, Adichie uses ethos to establish her credibility as an educated storyteller by referencing her childhood growing up on a university campus with highly educated parents. In addition to later attending an American university, she explained how she was reading and writing from a very young age which gave her credibility in terms of her experience with storytelling. She also utilized logos as she provided many examples and personal experiences with the consequences of both being the perpetrator and victim of a single story. Her roommate's idea of African women and her own view of Mexico were potent examples of how single stories deprive both parties of the beauty that could be found through storytelling if all aspects are presented: good and bad, base and beautiful. Finally, Adichie used pathos in her call for people to seek more than a single story as it relates to humanity as a whole. By showing the regained dignity and unity that storytelling can provide, she was able to tap into the emotional desire humans have for community and respect.

    “The Danger of a Single Story” is moving and powerful as it shows how storytelling can connect and empower people rather than divide. I picked this talk because it is honestly one of my favorite TED Talks because it is so real in addressing the tendency of humans to settle for single stories of people and places. I believe this issue is only getting worse as social media surrounds us with the “echo chamber” (as we discussed in TOK) and incomplete information that is taken as truth. I myself have fallen into the grasps of single stories as they are displayed at my fingertips as cheap, quick knowledge. As I reflect on this talk, I desire to stop cheating myself and others by viewing the world in this limited fashion. Storytelling is so important yet lost in our world of 140 characters or less. My minor complaint about modern culture aside, this TED talk really emphasizes how whole stories are beautiful and uniting, while fragments are limiting and dehumanizing. I feel like the concept that is most applicable in this case is the idea of lenses and perspectives. The benefit of the application of different perspectives such as Freudian, historical, gender, etc. in analysis is that it allows us to create a fuller picture that digs deeper into the story and adds dimensions. Perspectives defeat surface level analysis which is similar to the idea of a single story. Single stories are surface level because they do not display the numerous, beautiful dimensions of a people, place, or culture.

The Man Behind the Slyish Cast

The two mysterious characters Jekyll and Hyde carry strange similarities and stark differences. In comparing Enfield’s description of Hyde and the description of Jekyll in chapter three, one similarity is the implication of a darkness within. The description of Hyde is much more straightforward in this as Enfield claims that “he gives a strong feeling of deformity” despite the fact that he cannot point out any physical deformities. This implies that there is a darkness within the character of Hyde that is displeasing to others as they sense something is wrong. In the same way, Jekyll hides something behind a “slyish cast” that is not as easily uncovered beneath his kind and caring demeanor. Additionally, when “young Hyde” is brought up by the lawyer, Jekyll’s face distorts from the previous handsome description to “pale to the very lips” with a “blackness about his eyes”. This again implies the dark connection between the two characters and this description of Jekyll could be seen as his face deforming to reveal the importance of appearance in mirroring the characters thoughts and feelings.

In contrast, Mr. Hyde is described in a vague and fearful manner. Enfield's active voice when describing Hyde consistently brings us back the strange subject of Mr. Hyde’s appearance and how that affects the way Mr. Enfield understands him. While also providing shorter sentences, active voice makes the subject, Mr. Hyde, take responsibility for the action of being deformed and displeasing. This is an interesting way to describe someone because Enfield is very direct about his views of Mr. Hyde rather than merely commenting on how the man seemed to be. Additionally, the description of his appearance remains steady in it’s horrifying nature and Enfield's inability to point out the reason for the horror. However, the voice and idea development of Dr. Jekyll’s character is spoken in a lengthy manner with fluid description. Dr. Jekyll is described in detail as “a large, well-made, smooth-faced man of fifty” as well as a man with “every mark of capacity and kindness.” This contrasts greatly with Hyde’s description of appearance because it implies a kind, honorable man while Hyde’s lack of physical description implies a mysterious figure as it remains the dark unknown. Another contrasting element is that the other characters around Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde have very different responses. It is evident in Mr. Enfield’s characterization of Mr. Hyde that he is fearful of this negative creature and bothered by his inability to directly point out way he received such a negative, deformed feeling from Hyde. While Jekyll’s “slyish cast” is questioned, he is described in a much more positive manner to outsiders as “you could see by his looks that he cherished for Mr. Utterson a sincere and warm affection.” Such deep affection and sincerity is not even hinted at in Mr. Hyde’s personality.

Jekyll I wake to the sunlight I won’t fear to face them I will pleasantly stroll with a smile And hyde what can’t be seen He is within me... A weakness He plucks at my sanity I must rid myself of him Yet

Hyde I emerge in the moonlight I won’t fear to face myself I will freely roam as I am And do as I please He is within me... A weakness He tugs at my freedom I must rid myself of him He won’t.

The purpose of this poem is to show the opposing qualities of the two characters and foreshadow Hyde’s ultimate takeover of the two minds of one body. The intended effect is that the audience will see that ignoring the darker sides of us doesn’t solve the problem but can make them more appealing as something real rather than a societal mask. In a way, one could argue that displaying yourself as perfect was just as prevalent in the Victorian Era as it is now with social media. When nobody sees that you are hurting, nobody will know when you need help; just as Jekyll suffered with Hyde.