It was, I was, and I will be

Abort mission now. This will be long, drawn out, and most likely repetitive.

I'll never forget my first day as I anxiously searched for eyes that I knew so I could give a quick wave or a smile and feel like I wasn't alone in the crowd. I was so bent on not feeling alone because I believed that feeling alone was the worst thing that could possibly happen. I couldn't live the typical “homeschooler meets the real world” life of fear and bathroom stall lunches. I wanted to be known and loved but I wasn’t even sure who I was. I wanted to be different and selflessly love people but fear and insecurity quickly took over. I masked my insecurity of looking stupid with laughter at jokes I didn’t understand and trying my best to blend in.

My first two years of high school did prove successful academically and socially. However, I strayed from my mission to be true to myself and love people selflessly. My mission morphed into the pursuit of personal achievements, such as being well-liked, succeeding academically, and fitting in with the crowd. The problem was that I was focused inward rather than on how my individuality and ideas could serve others and the community. I might have continued on this path had I not decided to join the IB program. The IB program has both challenged me academically and encouraged me to think globally while allowing me to surround myself with fellow students who care for each other and love learning (mostly). Through the close relationshionships I have formed and the open discussions this closeness encourages, IB has helped me to recapture and refine my vision and my life mission.

Although I still strive for excellence, I would like the focus of my journey to be on continuing to develop my unique gifts, talents, and interests while truly appreciating and supporting others as they do the same. The beautiful thing about our world and society is that there are so many different ideas, opinions, and perspectives. I have learned to appreciate classmates and teachers who are different me. For me, appreciating and seeking to understand others is the key to building community and goes far beyond merely tolerating their beliefs and opinions. I believe that my background of a strong home school community, the reality check of navigating the performance pressure of high school, and the vision broadening impact of the Millbrook IB program has prepared me for this next stage of life.

My most impactful year has most certainly been senior year. There have been many difficulties yet at the end of the strife I feel more confident in who I am and what I want in terms of growth. My prayer for this year was this verse from Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Many nights, in heaps of tears, I scoffed and laughed at this call to live free of fear, fully thankful, and in perfect peace. How can my heart be guarded when it is already broken? How can I be thankful in a world full of failure and destruction? How can I be at peace when I am never enough? How can I not be full of anxiety when my life feels like a game of survival from deadline to deadline?

I can still smell the rancid powder that arouse from my airbag. I can still see the crying woman, the crunched metal, the warped tires, the shocked onlookers, and the still traffic - just for me... how special. I can still find the crumpled papers from universities that read only the repeated theme I told myself “You’re not good enough.” I remember the lost nights of self-loathing that my friends at school would never know of or possibly believe. I won’t say more so I don’t sound too dramatic (small aside about dramatic: Some days I revel in the label and other days I feel discredited by and bitter at the word that seems to be sewn on my back).

Dramatic aside, this year brought up many questions and formed memories both fond and foul. I have learned to look beyond myself and see that in everything God is good. This year has inspired me to look beyond temporary happiness and seek God that I might find joy in all circumstances rather than just those which I feel like reflect the beautiful things of life. But what are the good days without the bad days? What is light without the darkness? What is life without faith that there is more than simply what we can feel, touch, smell, and create to be our own truths?

I am no theologian and I cannot even begin to answer the many questions I have but at least I am asking them. Before I was afraid of doubt and how God could be real and good in a world full of suffering. Now I see that there is so much more than my small perspective on life and goodness. I am truly excited to move on more confidently and open as i understand the value of doubt and others perspectives on what it means to be human. Isn’t that the question we all secretly hold?

This blog post really shouldn’t have been left so open ended because I love to talk and write. I definitely need to wind down though and I applaud you if you have made is thus far.

I leave with this: my hope for the future.

I just want to live fully and vividly. I want to laugh long and know the shadow alongside me. I want to know myself and not fear solitude. I want to look at life like a marathon which does not repeat; each day is filled with new wonders. I want to stop to smell the flowers and still finish the race with flying colors. I no longer want to feel like my life is an endless climbing of a timeworn mountain and a falling into the same dark valley. I want to look deeply into the eyes of others and seek to know them and love them for that. I don’t want to keep seeking for perfection or arrival but to enjoy the run and learn how to acknowledge that the difficult times are what grow us.

Walt Whitman's Notebook

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I have never been very skilled in the art of deciphering scribbles and chicken scratch - even when it’s my own writing. Therefore, this experience left me a little stressed and strained as I could barely make out any of the words. His writing is a downward-slant cursive that appears to be written in a rushed fashion. I’m sure one of the reasons for what appears to be careless cursive is that he wanted to quickly document his many ideas, inspirations, and thoughts so they couldn’t pass by to be forgotten before he could formulate them into a poem. In terms of his images, the first sketch of the profile of a man was honestly stunning and I was not expecting such detail in his drawings since his journal seemed to be the place he quickly placed his thoughts. However, the drawings became more strange until the last sketch which caught me off-guard. The last image of the skeleton with a heart as a body that has been stabbed through with a sword with the setting sun in the background left me curious and a bit uncomfortable. There is no telling for what exactly Whitman meant by this last image but I agree with the comments that it must be some sort of allegory either of America as a whole or possibly the society in a time where human rights were far from achieving equality.

I believe through a combination of Whitman’s writings and sketches, his inner thoughts are revealed to be darker and more scattered than the Whitman he reveals in his poetry. This makes sense in terms of his final product being a free verse style that seems to follow a rhythm only as long as his own thoughts adhered to the same cadence (rather than a poet fitting his thoughts into an accepted style and comfortable rhythm). His inner thoughts went beyond what he ever published for us to read today as his mind seemed to be constantly overwhelmed with creativity and reflection. Even the nature of an imaginary dialogue between himself and Lincoln takes a lot of creativity and reflection in how they would respond to one another.

As I read through the notes provided, I am now beginning to see the true content of Whitman’s words and I am fascinated by the link with the historical events unfolding to his writings. Whitman uses nature often in his poetry and I believe he uses the ship on rough waters to show the pursuit of liberty and justice in a divided America. Whitman’s journal becomes progressively distraught in terms of the division in America leading up to and during the Civil War. This is very reflective of his desire for universal brotherhood and his poetry that addresses the need for this unity and acceptance of all people since he sees what strife can be caused by brutally opposing one another. The water becomes more rough as the ship is tossed about which is connected with the approaching Civil War which was a very interesting aspect that I did not see before reading the notes. I was disappointed to learn that the sketches are not believed to be Whitman’s himself but it does make sense as it goes from such great detail to the strange picture he sketched himself of the skewered skeleton. This journal is significant because it contains an his outlet for the social strife and injustices that were happening around him. The fact that he had an imaginary conversation with Lincoln could also reveal that he wished to be more involved in making the change politically which he was able to feel by pretending to discuss the matters with Lincoln who could make the change happen.